thanks Lynn. I'm not drinking. The thought of drinking disgusts me - now. Hubby is drinking - self-medicating he says. I know it isn't wise to make decisions when I'm in crisis, but the crisis is past, I think. Still, I guess that's why I posted. I feel pretty stable right now, but I realize that just a few days ago, I was in really bad shape. I won't make any decisions until I've been back on meds for a few weeks (yeah, still working on that problem). I guess I'm at a point in life where (through depression or not) I am looking back at choices I've made through out my life. Those choices have led to my current lifestyle and circumstances. I realize the self-blame or blaming others does not help or change anything, but it's hard to look at those choices and not blame myself, my parents, my husband, my in-laws, and life in general for my current circumstances. I'm trying really hard to figure out how to change my choices in the future, so that things can improve instead of getting worse and worse. I'd really like to make those choices as a clear-headed, rational, and responsible adult, but I don't/can't/won't trust myself to be any of those things.