<33 I've gone 1 year and 3 months with out self harming. I rewarded myself (and the insiders since I have DID apparently) by buying a pocket knife on Wednesday.

It's an awesome knife with an extended tang so you can open it with one hand quickly, is blue plated on one side with flames on the blade and has the Harley insignia saying "Born to Ride".

I did it for three reasons. First most, because I never have a knife when I need to open stuff (of course now I have one I won't need it probably lol!).

Second because I want to test myself and show to the others inside that I have faith in them to be good and not SI anymore. I still have thoughts but they're actually not as strong since I got the knife so rewarding them with trust seems to help me. (Everyone's different so I'm not saying to go out and get a weapon just cause this had a positive effect so far). I also laid out rules for myself and the insiders about it. If I find myself or that others have used it on the body then it's going to be given back to our friend who sold it to us to hold onto until we can be trusted again.

Third is probably not a good reason. But I feel safer with a pocket knife. I still have dealings with a past abuser (we're related but not by choice :P) and I just feel like if I have to I should be able to defend myself since he is stronger than me. A knife in the thigh will stop just about anyone. I don't know if it came to it if I'd be able to use it to defend myself but at least I do have that option.

The days that I find myself thinking about bad things I put the knife on my desk and sit on the bed refusing to move until the thoughts past. I distract myself with writing or coloring or drawing. I used to pinch myself still but that too is starting to lessen a lot. I'm going to keep on going I know I can completely break free from this horrible issue. It's not a safe way to cope. It only adds to the problems we have. I hope that everyone else here agrees that any feeling it gives you is a fleeting one and the changes it brings are ALWAYS for the worse, not better. {hugs everyone and hopes they all stay safe one day at a time}