Note this. Because I knew the full absurdity of Fate and Fortune and Nature more truly than a human can bear to know it. And perhaps the description of this, brief as it is, may give consolation to another. The worst takes its time to come, and then to pass.

The truth is, you cannot prepare anyone for this, nor convey an understanding of it through language. It must be known. And this I would wish on no one in the world!

I was alone. I went from room to room of this house, banging upon the walls with my fists and crying with my teeth clenched, and whirling. I sobbed and tore at my hair; I tore at my clothes as naturally as if it had been a newborn costum. I knocked over chairs and tables.

At times I felt a huge exhilaration, a freedom from all falsehoods and conventions, all means by which a soul or body can be held hostage! And then the awesome nature of this freedom spread itself out around me as if the house did not exist, as if the darkness knew no walls.

Three nights and days I spent in this agony. I forgot to eat food. I forgot to drink water. Sleep seemed gone from me forever. Alas, I wandered, crawled, wept and cried for three days and nights.