Thanks Elana - you hit the nail on the head when you said (I can't figure out the quote thingy).... it's not that I knew I had needs but didn't express them. I just truly did not understand that it could be a give and take this way without leading to ruin. To this day I work on expressing my needs and listening to others as though I am learning a foreign language.
And yes, if it was some other woman, I would have encouraged her to take care of herself and consider her own needs. But I have a lot of difficulty translating that foreign language to myself.