I've made a decision to stop emailing my t. My first step was to tell her that i no longer expect her to reply unless i ask for one.

Already, i feel triggers.

I explained why this is so triggering for me in the other "Email" thread. Stuff to do with my childhood.

I guess I've never gotten over the horrible empty feeling of separation from my mom. It hurt so much! In grade school, i would call her at work because i missed her so much. But it wasn't enough. I'd want to call her again. I got threatened with punishment if i called her more than once. Often, my parents wouldn't come home on time. They'd go out drinking and not even call us until they'd been past due for an hour or more. They'd promise to be home at a certain time, and still wouldn't be there. I'd look out the window into the dark, so afraid they had gotten into a car crash and were lying dead somewhere. I'd cry so hard when she left for a week on business trips. I'd be so afraid her plane would crash, and I'd never see her again.

Even when my mom was home, I often was suffering emotionally, and she didn't respond to it at all or even seem to notice. Often, when my dad drank too much, he'd tease and pick on me until i cried, then laughed about it. My mom was right in the room and did nothing to stop him. Later when i was crying in my room, she didn't come in to explain why my dad acted that way, or do anything or comfort me. When I told her my neighbor SA me, she just said "Don't go there anymore" and didn't even bother to talk to me about it or help me with my confusion and guilt.

Even as an adult, when i went through a horrific clinical depression, lost 26 pounds, and was hospitalized for suicidal thinking, she never even acknowledged that i'd been in the hospital. She wouldn't acknowledge my depression, saying it was just "hormones." She wouldn't admit my problems had anything to do with my upbringing. I tried to talk to her about it once or twice, but it went nowhere, so i stopped even trying to talk about it or get any support.

Even at my worst depression, when my parents come to town, they'd expect me to play the "happy little girl" part. Neither one of them would even mention my depression. If i brought it up, my mom would just stay silent. So i stopped even mentioning it. In the meantime, my mom would jabber on and on about the singing groups she is in, and show me newspaper clippings with her picture in the paper. She'd talk about her crafts and hobbies and how she was the president of the church club and how she won the "Best Quilt" award at her quilting club.

And the whole time, in my mind, behind my smiling mask, i could hardly keep standing. There was no acknowledgement whatsoever for any problems i was going through. Or my husband's problems. He has ankylosing spondylitis, coronary artery disease (he had a heart attack at 43), asthma, rapid cycling bipolar disorder, kidney impairment, etc. He can't work and is trying to get on disability. We're trying to live on one income. Our life is HARD. But on most visits, my parents wouldn't even ask how either of us was doing.

My parents are well to-do. They are 66 and have been retired since they were 52. Their house is paid for, their cars are paid for, they travel, my mom is having the time of her life.

And she doesn't even see me.

She comes to town, and my role is to be her cheerleader and admirer.

While i smile and hide my pain.

I hurt and i am invisible.

Guess maybe i've been trying to ease that pain and fill that empty place inside with my t's caring. But she's only my t. She can't be a mom to me. She can't be there for me every time i reach out.

i don't want to face this aloneness.