I was recently accepted into this program called CCS that helps people with disabilities try to overcome some of the things that are holding them back and to help find resources and such to work on things. The lady I met with that did my assessment and all, Pam, was really nice and kept reassuring me that they go at my pace and won't force me into anything I'm not ready for...

Today I had my first meeting with my service provider, Mike, to get some paperwork done and to start going over my treatment plan, and he made me a little nervous because he was asking what kind of employment I'd like to do and even though he said he doesn't think I'm ready for that "at this time", it seems like he thinks that employment is like a final goal or something. I have been on disability since 1995 and I have kind of "accepted" that I probably will never be able to work. I'm sure that it's possible that could change someday, but I don't even like to think of the idea right now. I have a hard time just leaving my apartment! I got into the program to help me improve things, but not to set goals to get off of disability. When he asked what kind of work I'd be interested in, I said that someday I might want to look into working at Riverfront, which is a place where people who are disabled can work part-time in a safe environment, which means that if I get overwhelmed or something, then I would be free to take some time off and not have to worry about losing the job. I would just go back when I'm ready. So I could work a little bit but not lose my disability benefits. He said "I think you're capable of much more than that". It's nice of him to say, but he just met me. He doesn't know what I am or am not capable of!!! He was also saying that people on disability have "too much time on their hands" and that working would "take my mind off my problems".

If I wanted to get a "real" job (9-5 or whatever), I would lose my benefits and I am not qualified to do anything except basic jobs, so I probably would not get medical insurance, and I wouldn't be able to pay for my meds, which in turn would make me not stable enough to work again, and I'd have to reapply for the disability benefits all over again. I'm totally stressed now...I honestly do not think I will ever be to a point where I could go back into the work force, even though I wish I could. I do want to improve my situation, as far as getting better about leaving my apartment without anxiety, help with meeting people and making friends, and trying to learn to follow a schedule without anxiety, etc.

Even though my current combination of meds keeps me fairly stable, I do still get overwhelmed very easily and then fall into depression, and it's rare that I even go a year without needing to be hospitalized because I get suicidal. It's not just bipolar, it's also PTSD, insomnia, gen. anxiety disorder, some type of personality disorder (doc isn't quite sure which one I fit into, lol).

I was really looking forward to starting this program and now I'm kind of freaked out. Why should I have to meet any goals except the ones I set and think I can achieve? I get sick of people thinking that just because I'm smart that I should be able to work a full time job if I just try hard enough. Sometimes you can try as hard as you can and still not meet other people's expectations. Why don't people understand that? I think I need you all to talk me out of quitting the program! Please give me some insights if you can, I'd really appreciate it!