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off work again!!!!
didn't even manage 3 weeks- i am a joke
i have crashed and burned again. I had a meeting with my boss and she was saying you need a doc app as you are not ready to come back. Ironically i had an app that day with my gp. Anyways i was like i will be back after my days off don't worry, broke down in tears in her office. Haha!!! What a joke..... Broke down in my gp's room.... Ended up getting signed off work for 4 more weeks and also have been slowly took off of mirtazipine my anti-depressant. I will be given a new one next tuesday... No idea what she is gonna put me on though.
my gp told me she was signing me off and i argued with her that i am needing work to keep me going, she said she is signing me off as she doesn't think i am coping.
i am having s thought's... Hence her telling me to stay with my parents and to talk about me more. She was pretty worried for me and was asking if i had anymore thoughts or was thinking of harming myself in any other way.
i won't go into details of what i was thinking as i know you are not allowed to write etc s things... I was low lets put it that way.
so i am screwed big time.
i don't know what to do anymore. My gp is really nice and she made me cry... She was like your ok, just let it out as i apologise when i cry which is annoying btw
so i contacted my counsellor and asked for my app to be brought forward. Had it today and also still getting my friday app too. Really helped having my session today too.
my counsellor picked me up from the bus stop as its in another town from where i stay. She drove to the waterfront as it was a great sunny day. She asked if i minded having my session in the car as she thinks i need to open up more and thinks i defo need the space to do it this was ideal as no one was around etc. It was actually good to not be talking in a room but in a big open space- blue sky and sea and mass's of space... Breathing space.
we spoke about this week's problems and we explored my thoughts and feelings surrounding all of this. Then she asked me to explain to her what were the things i was "hiding" from her. I said they were really trivial etc etc. When i told her she spoke about my life now and from what she has been told about my past and we came to a conclusion that i am wanting to control things as i feel i have no control and i was controlled as a kid etc. Anyways she says she thinks from what i have been saying is that my gp doesn't think i have clincial depression but more so sever depression. She said to me you look like your away to cry, you can cry if you need to as its perfectly normal. I said no i am fine i have done enough crying and i don't think i could handle crying even more. She said i need a good cry so its ok to cry... But no i am stubborn
she has given me stuff to do mainly so outside as she says she has a feeling i haven't been going outside and out of the flat. This ironically was what my gp said too.
i know everyone is looking out for me and i only really realised it when my best mate was speaking to me before my gp app. She said to me either i tell my doc everything or i will end up being sectioned under the mental health act while having a breakdown in work. She says i know your a proud person and that would finish you off i think. That made me sit up and though god get a grip come on laura you can do this.
i was telling her today about my wake up call and she says she really had too as i just wasn't listening to reason etc. She says i need to remember people love me and like me and respect me. But if i ever do commit s then i have a lot of people to let down etc etc.
i am really scared now, but i scared myself when i thought about things that i shoudln't etc
feeling better after all my crying and talking
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