thanks again for your replies....it does help to talk about it and get others views on this....
it is comforting to know other have tried it and that it worked for them....I have done the letter writing and reading it to my T and then rewriting it so it came more personally from me...example " I felt this way or that" using the word I and not you ...made a big difference....
YES I do have a hard time expressing my anger properly....I have beaten my kids and screamed at them when they were younger and beat and hit on my hubby and called him names and even through a knife at him once....UGH I know please dont hate me.....but since all this came out about our family and then my abuse I have clammed up and not let my feelings out....he knows they are stored up and bottling up inside of me.....I can tell sometimes I am ready to blow but I take it out on myseld because I am afraid of hurting others.....I have seen the look of fear in my daughters eyes when I went into therapy with her one time to meet her therapist and to hear her talk about her SI and it was D*M HARD to see that fear in her eyes again when I walked into the room.....UGH hate myself so much for that.....now I have let myself after a lifetime of not trusting I am now trusting my T and feeling safe with him H*ll feeling safe for the first time in my life....I just do not want to see the shock and fear in his eyes....that would kill me for sure....I want to work through what happened to me and I know this is part of the process to healing but it is scarey to show someone who you have come to trust and love and feel safe with your true inner hatred and anger and pain....**sniff**sniff**
it is so hard....so very hard....to deal with the past... I just want it to go away.........................................