Thanks for the support everyone! I tried to lay down for awhile and relax...but it didn't help; I'm still really upset. I am planning on calling Pam tomorrow and talking to her about it. I'm going to tell her everything he said that upset me and that was triggering to me...

He had also said that "most of the bipolar people I've worked with don't really want to get better, they just make excuses because they want to stay sick. I don't think that's true about you though". WTF? I really didn't like him generalizing people with bipolar; and did he ask them if they didn't want to get better or is he just assuming? Sometimes I want a certain thing to change but it scares me so much that I will "chicken out" (for lack of a better phrase). What does he mean by "get better" anyhow? There isn't a cure for this...the best we can do is learn to manage it and try to change what we can. And sometimes we do try but it just doesn't work out the way we would like it to.

I know they are really busy and have a lot of clients, so if I do ask to change I don't know how long it would take, but I'm willing to wait. And he is retiring in July so I would be transferred to someone else then anyways. I also didn't like that when he was asking for my work history and I told him that the last time I tried to work was about 10 years ago, he was like "REALLY? That LONG?" Nevermind that it was a total disaster and I only lasted a few months, which I told him. I even liked the job, and I only worked two days a week for 4 hours each day...but it was still too overwhelming and I had to quit because I ended up in the hospital from the stress of it.

I had also told him about what my goals were and one of them is finding alternative transportation besides the city bus because it freaks me out, and I already did find an option for medical appointments, I just need to find some type of program for things like grocery shopping or if I want to go out for coffee or to eat or something. I explained that I have tried several times to overcome my fear of the bus by making myself go out and do it, but it never has helped change the fears and anxieties about it. If anything, if made them worse. But he was saying how he wants to make one of my first goals to be being able to take the bus. He said someone would come and take the bus with me, but I really don't think having a "buddy" will change any of the things that make me fearful and anxious about the bus.

One of the goals that I do want to work on first, and I told him this, is learning how to follow a schedule without getting overwhelmed. I was thinking that starting therapy again (since I've found the medical transportation now) would be a good way to start, I could start out twice a month and learn to stick with that, and try to work through any feelings of being overwhelmed, and if I can do that for a couple of months then maybe try to go every week.

I get so mad at myself because while he was here, even when he said something I didn't really like, I don't seem able to say anything about it at the time...it's like I have to process it and figure out exactly what it was that bothered me. And by the time that happens, the person is long gone. I just can't collect my thoughts while I'm in the middle of talking to someone. I hate that about myself!

I'm so sorry that I'm rambling on and on, I just don't have anyone in real life to talk to and I'm on the verge of tears right now...I really hope Pam is in tomorrow morning because I am pretty sure I'm going to be upset until I talk to her. <---that's me lol!