i dont know where to start so i guess rambling it is.

i was in the army and over seas in kuwait for several months before I was sent home for non combat related health issues. Endometriosis. the time i was i was sexually and racially harrassed and i didnt think that really affected all that much. I worked in a prison for four years prior to this deployment. a maximum security, male prison and saw some bad things and what not. again didnt think that had an affect on me. I have always thought of myself as someone who could brush it off and not let it affect her. like i had some special coat that everything just ran off, that nohting ever soaked in.

anyhow i got back to fort bragg and started seeing a shrink. i cant say if it helped or not. i got home and started seeing one here on base. that was not helping i dont think. but then she quit so i was not seeing anyone til about a month ago and i am now seeing a lady at the vet center in town. and i dont thinkt hat is helping either. partly because i dont know how to talk to her or what i can and cant tell her. what can i trust her with? I am a lesbian and i dont know if that would cause my disability from the VA to be stopped or my school money to stop from them.

I got home and i missed that adrenaline rush i guess and i started gambling. I lost over 50,000 and my girlfriend said if i didnt stop she would leave me. so i told her i would stop. i didnt, til she caught me red handed. i stopped for over a year. I was very pissed off about all the money i lost and i taught myself to count cards. i set up rules for myself so i wouldnt get crazy again but something happened and now i have lost close to 8,000 dollars. before that i was doing great. I would go in count the whole shoe and win between 100 and 300 a day. I got up to 2500 with no issues and then one sunday i lost a thousand of it and its been down hill ever since. I know the signs of when to quit and i was doing so good but i dont know what happened.

my girlfriend and I had fight about money and i got a ticket and taxes are due... i could go on and on... and i was so overwhelmed i thought about shooting myself.

and now i am just floating i guess. I am freaked out cuz i never thought I would take or even consider taking that way out. I was so frustrated and angry and i just dont know what all.

so i dont know