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If my husband knew all of the negative things I’ve said about him over the years, I’m sure he’d be crushed. When you’re angry, frustrated, and tired you vent things you really don’t mean. It’s not nice, but it’s human. In my opinion it would be very cruel to say these things to my husband. The person I vent to knows my husband and understands my comments are coming from a place of frustration and takes them with a grain of salt. In fact she usually replies “go ahead, get rid of him, I’ll snatch him up in a second.”
But I submit to you that you’ve belittled her illness here just as much as she has yours. I deal with your issues (although I have no idea what the % of the household income you make has to do with the price of tea in China). I KNOW you are not in control of your energy levels. I KNOW what it feels like to be passed out, naked on the bathroom floor because your bowels have decided that today is going to be hell, tomorrow doesn’t look much better, and I don’t know if I have the strength to deal with it another second.
My husband suffered a severe back injury at work many years ago. I KNOW he’s not faking, I KNOW he lives in pain every single second of every single day of his life. I can see the injury on his MRI’s, when it flares up, he wakes me up crying in his sleep and I’M the one that insists he go back to his doctor. We know that he’ll have to have more surgeries in the future.
Here’s the thing… does this apply to you? Knowing all of this, and I am intimately familiar with the physical requirements of his job, I KNOW that he will push THROUGH that pain to complete something at work, just so it’s done properly. He has several qualified individuals that work for him, but his pride will not allow him to “ask them to do anything he won’t do himself” even though his peers and predecessors did/do not do this physical part of the job. Are we, his family, not entitled to a fraction of that dedication? My husband sometimes views the things that need doing around the house as things that can be done “when I’m feeling better”. What happens if/when better never comes? The laundry still needs to be done, dishes washed, meals prepared, shopping done, kids need to be bathed, played with, help with homework, etc.
I fully understand that providing for the material needs of your family is important. Aren’t the emotional and household needs are equally important?
We’ve compromised in this way; I accept that he’s never going to do as much as I want him to do, the way I want him to do it (I also have OCD). He agrees to put in 4 solid hours a week doing things I need help with. In the beginning I was quite the task master. I had a stop-watch and I deducted the “breaks”. Now the time varies. There are tasks he’s found that he doesn’t mind doing that I absolutely detest. I’m willing to trade laundry, and cleaning the bathroom for him doing the shopping and putting away the groceries.
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children.
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