I was in a 4 in a half year relationship with someone I met right in time for High School. This guy became my best friend and I made my world so stuck in him and same vice versa. His Dad passed away a few years ago and things had gotten very rough to where our relationship was a big struggle at times but we felt we could not live without eachother. Well I asked him to seek help about his mourning over his dad and he refused. We moved to KY in July last year and grew so far apart I found someone we met who gave me all the attention and feelings I needed. I told my fiance about the feelings I had for the other man and he was so hurt it pushed him over the edge. He was a wreck and we ended it with eachother. I was staying at the guys house for the past couple weeks and meanwhile my fiance checked himself into a hospital for trying to kill himself. He was talked down and checked himself in and found out he was bipolar all this time which answered a lot of our questions. I felt I was over him and he could move on like me but he still wanted me back. I even cheated on him and he found out and still wanted to look past it all and be together and have the future we had planned all through the years. Well I did not think I wanted to be with him until he tried to make me jealous with other girls. Well that did make me jealous proving to me I was not going to get over him. After seeing both guys but staying with the newest one I became really mentally unstable because I was once again torn between two different guys. I am not in love with either of them but I love them both so dearly and care the world for them. Because my first love has been put on medication, he is a totally different new and improved man which made me think I should really try things out again if he is willing to give me another chance. Only problem is, I found out I am pregnant with the newest mans baby and with all the dramatic things going on I would not be fit as a mother. I am in online college and was working a fulltime job which went on mandatory overtime last week. Because of that I had to quit to keep school going because my grades have been dropping. So now I have no job. I cant go to family or friends about the pregnancy thing because I may get an abortion within the next week since I am only 2 to 3 weeks pregnant to the time I actually had sex and conceived. Everyone will be against me for my decision of keeping or getting rid of the baby. The newest man already has 3 kids and a job that pays $140 a week after child support is taken out. He also has no high school diploma and is 26 with an apartment and no vehicle. Not only that he had a bad past with drugs so he has "Drug Court" where he is tested weekly, and has to attend multiple meetings and things every week for different things. I do not want a baby with someone I am not in love with or who has no motivation in life. He is so against abortion and I was too until I wound up in the situation I am in. I feel that if I have to live with a baby inside of me for months and have to raise a baby(I dont believe in adoption) I might do something to hurt myself or become so out of myself that I will not function right. I also feel if I get an abortion God, friends, family, and I will never forgive me. My first love said he could not be with me knowing that I would be having the other mans baby. I left the newest guy tonight in a mature way but a sudden unexpected way and he thinks I am going back home to my family. I was also thinking of doing this for a month and then moving back but a baby changes everything. Also I am afraid leaving my first love for that long where he cannot see me will put him back into the hospital. I even miss the newest man so much right now and hope he is okay. I feel like no matter what I cannot forget about one or the other. I am stuck on both of them but when it all comes down to it my first love is my best pick for a relationship, mentally, sexually, future wise, etc. In a few hours I am going to the OBGYN at the hospital to find out if I am having a miscarriage since I am on my period too a few days after I found out I was pregnant. If it is I cant say I will be sad because it will make me feel so much better knowing that I wasnt murdering my baby in that sence. I wish I was pregnant by the first love because things would be so much easier mentally, money wise, and future wise. Everyone in his family will hate me if they know I am pregnant by the other man. That could cause me to easily do harm to myself. The same goes for aborting the baby. The newest mans family and him will hate me. I cannot bare any of this. It is so much for me and I am only 19. I feel like I dont deserve life or that anything that is bad that happens to me is punishment for cheating, lying, and changing my life because I thought it would make me happy(which it did at first, until I missed my true love and them when I found out I'm pregnant).