Hi Sunrise,

. . .perhaps you are hoping each visit she will be different and more caring.

Yes, I think I do keep hoping for that.

. . .maybe you should just stop seeing your mother?

You know, I really couldn't do that. I'd feel awful, and nobody in my family would understand why in the world I'd do that. I have one sister, who is very close to my mom and actually begs her to come visit as much as possible. So it makes me wonder if the problem is me??? Besides that, even though my mom doesn't acknowledge my pain or problems, she's always upbeat, happy, and full of life. I couldn't bear to cut her off.

Have you ever talked with your T about your current relations with your mother and father?

I have. My t believes my mom has narcissistic qualities. She's not a mean person at all, but very self-absorbed. My t doesn't think i should entertain hope that things will change much in my relationship with my folks. She says that she doesn't believe my mom or dad are capable of giving me what i want, which is a close, emotionally honest, supportive relationship.

What you can do in the present to deal with them and your interactions with them?

We were just talking about this yesterday on my session. We were going through a part in a DBT book about the importance of making "I statements" when there's a conflict, in order to express your own feelings, rather than blame the other party. Some of the phrases were, "I feel upset by that," "I feel ignored when you don't listen," "I was hurt when you did that." (Rather than "You jerk! Why did you do that?! etc.) I told my t that nobody in my family talks about their feelings. We don't tell each other when we are hurt or angry about something the other did. We don't show our true feelings when it comes to our relationship.

There have been rare times when my dad has told me how he feels about me, but it has been when he's drinking, and what he has said has been very hurtful. At those times, i tried to stand up for myself (though i didn't know about "I messages"). But it didn't do any good. He wouldn't even listen to me, just interrupt and talk right over me. He doesn't respect me. Usually, he doesn't say anything mean to me. Only when he drinks too much. But I think when he's drunk, the truth comes out about how he feels about me. When he's sober, he acts aloof and seems to kind of avoid me.

Have you ever said directly to your mother that you feel ignored by her and your very important life concerns minimized by her lack of talk about them?

No. Never. I told my t I'm scared to death to tell them how i feel. I'm afraid of how they might respond. And I'm worried about hurting their feelings by bringing it up. I'm also scared to be that vulnerable in front of them. I think i would cry. And I'm afraid my dad would make fun of my feelings, because he used to do that when i was little. If he did that, i think it would trigger me into a bad state. I wish i could tell them how i feel. I really really do. But i am so terrified to.

I can think of a few times i've tried to open up to my mom about my feelings and the result wasn't good. I reminded her once about how, when i was little, i used to get so upset and cry when she went on her business trips. She replied, "Well, when i was at home, you never seemed interested in coming around and wanting to talk to me, so i thought it wouldn't matter." Also, years ago when my grandpa died, i told her, "Mom, I feel bad that i didn't get to know grandpa better." She replied, "Thanks alot. That doesn't make me feel any better about it."

She did admit once that if she could do over raising us, there were a few things she would do differently. She didn't say what. But for my mom, that's a big thing to admit. That was one time when i felt a little bit validated. Later, though, my husband told my mom about some of the things that contributed to my depression from my upbringing. . .and she told me immediately afterward, "I can't think of anything about the way you were raised that would have caused you problems today." So after a couple of attempts to make them understand what was contributing to my depression, i stopped bringing it up altogether.

When things are so awful in relationships, what have we got to lose by telling the truth?

You know, my t asked me this yesterday. She said, "Do you think your parents respect you?" I said, "No." Then she asked me would it be any worse if i started telling them how i feel? I don't know. I guess I'm afraid it could get worse. I just don't think they will listen or take me seriously. And. . .the saddest thing is. . .I don't think they "want" to know how i really think and feel inside. If they never ask me. And when i've told them some things, they have ignored or minimized them. So I feel afraid to even try and just put on the happy face like i am fine and nothing bothers me. I think that's what they want.

Maybe, just maybe (although it really doesn't sound like it), there has been a misunderstanding and if your parents knew from you directly, in plain language, how you felt, things might change?

Do you think so? It would be such a relief for me if i could be honest about my feelings and get some validation. I just feel so guilty about bringing up something that my mom is doing wrong. It will make me feel like I'm being mean to her or something. My t says that saying how i feel does not make me sound like a mean person. But I feel so bad about bringing up any of their faults. On the other hand, when i don't say anything, i am really unhappy inside and feel fake.

I need to think some more about all of this.