i am sleep deprived. haven't been sleeping much b/c i fear going to bed. my anxiety is sky high. i've always loved the sanctity of my bed. this time of year is always tough for me. my brother died around this time (he was an infant, i was 6) and i was sexually abused around this time too. never had this kind of reaction, though. don't want to go to sleep because it means that i am vulnerable - i have no control over my environment. that is scary to me. so i'd rather force myself to stay up than deal with the fear. plus, once i lie in bed, the fear takes over anyway and i can barely sleep. all of my old tricks to help me relax before bedtime and to fall asleep are not working. and when i have found myself sleeping, i keep having scary nightmares. i'm at my wit's end. anyone else been through this.No Iam sorry you are going through a rough time huggsJust try to relax at night so you can get some sleep.Sleep is so important It helps you to be able to focus the next day .When Iam having rough tmes I listen to relaxing music and take a shower .Please go to the doctor and get some help.And if you need a friend you can count on me.You been through a lot.Last night I was having a rough time I went to bed at eleven oclock and got right back up was having a rough time with my ocd acting up with my brain having racing thoughts.I know its scarey for you but I dont want you having a nervous breakdown because you cant sleep.Thats what happened to my sister she was getting sleep she did not want to so she got so stress out and ended up In the hospital.Before you got to bed at night right down whats bothering you and keep a journal and right down everything you are going through and you will start to feel better.Iam here for you If you ever want to send email or whatever.Keep posting on how you are doing You have courage .And like I say Iam sorry you are going through a rough time .Does your family know about this?

~amy

sleep

i close my eyes and all
i see is darkness
clawing, gnawing, grasping
for me.

gruesome faces stare at me,
stare past me.

blood flows everywhere.
violence targets me in all directions...
north, south, east, west,
wherever i turn.

sleep brings death to me
many times over,
leaves sticky sweat on
my neck, my arms,
between my legs.

my body jolts, contorts
under the shocking views,
the imagined threats
that feel so real.

my bed - my inner sanctum -
has become my own worst enemy.

march 2010