Who decides who suffers with mental illness and who doesnt?

Why, why, why? I ask.

Thinking back on the time I joined here, how much I needed this place, how vulnerable I was. I was afraid. Depression, anxiety and OCD has pushed me into such an isolation where I was even afraid to post here. Over time, meeting people here, reading other posts, I began to feel more comfortable and knew that I was not alone.

I started treatment after joinging here, started my meds, seeing a therapist. I felt like I was at the bottom of the earth and each day was a struggle to live. Little by little, revealing myself little by little, baring my soul, little by little to you guys, to my therapist brought me to a point that I had not been to in a really long time.

For months, and months I had lost all hope in myself, my life and everyone around me. It seemed to have happened over night. In one instance it was all taken away from me. One day I am a determined, capable, strong mother of three, wife, working.....and the next day, I am a scared little girl, can not get out of bed, afraid to open my eyes. Afraid of life and everything about it. A sense of paranoia had come over me and I could trust no one. Not my hubby, not my kids, mot my mom nor my friends. In an instant, I was alone, all alone and I have never in my life been in a more lonley and scary place then that.

Little by little, over the months I have learned things about myself, or maybe I admitted things about myself that I have never done before. At times, it felt that I was taking a huge step backwards and other times it felt like I was lifting a great weight off my chest. I was learning to plan the future again, to see the future in all its glory and know that I had so much a head of me.

The last few days I have been slowley feeling lower and lower. Not sure exactly why though. Since leaving VA, I no longer see a therapist but I am still taking my meds. Maybe that is part of the reason. I dunno. I was laying in bed today and I started having thoughts or maybe feelings that I didnt want to start feeling that I was losing hope again. I was afraid. I look around at my life and and I feel so incredible lucky to have all that I have and who in life wouldnt be happy with all of this? I feel lucky. I dont feel truely happy. What the hell is wrong with me. I am afraid to start going into this negative pattern of thinking once again because I know where it will lead. I can not put my children and my hubby through this again. I cant. Until I can find a therapist, and soon, I have got to find a way to combat this. But I am losing hope and I am afraid.

I have to start journaling again, faithfully like I once was. It's hard. I had finally gotten to the point where I was up all day, doing things, staying active and sleeping a normal pattern. Now, I am taking naps more frequently, and I have to stop doing that. It's hard because sometimes all I want to do is sleep because at least then I know I have a little window of time where I dont have to be afraid, I dont have to be anything, I dont even have to feel for at least that little period of time while I am sleeping.

I dont want to die. I dont want to die. I dont want to die. I want to be normal. I want to go through a day where I can just wory about the small things, take care of my house, do laundry, hang out with my kids, make dinner, spend time with my hubby.

Instead, I fill my days with worry, worry that I am falling into another depression, that I am going crazy, that I wont make it, that I am going to die and I am absolutly petrified.

I am afraid to talk to my hubby about this because I dont want to scare him because I think I about broke him the last time I had an episode.

GOD give me the strength, please, please give me strenght and the will to rise above this. Oh please, please.

I ask for help, and at the same time I feel so incredible unworthy of his help, his love, his support. I feel like I am dirty, not worth his time. At times I feel evil. I have so much crap in my past that was morally wrong, why now do I ask for help when I dont deserve it.