the ugly touches us.

i've been making alot of discoveries in therapy. t and i have been figuring out alot. i'm seeing so much more of my life...more of the big picture. it's ugly and hard to see. now, feelings are being thrown in as well. that's even more difficult. i'm proud of the progress though. t is as well. we've been talking about a difficult subject for me...sex. we've been talking about good/bad/abusive. i'd kinda put things into two catagories with that. THEN BOOM!!!!!!!!!

weds, the day after t, i was journaling about what we'd discussed and mentioned a convo that i'd always remembered with a dr (i blamed self. the convo's the only thing i remembered, and dr's wouldn't do anything wrong). then all of the sudden, the picture widened. it widened more and filled in...to my horror.

what i remembered was a memory that had been totally blocked from me for eight years. yes, i'm a dissociator, so that's not odd. however, i usually have a clue about things. this i had no clue about. in fact, i'd stored it as a "fun-cracking" memory based on the only information that i had about it.

what the pictured turned into was the fact that the dr abused me. we had actually reported him that night to the police at the urging of my cousin who'd heard his inappropriate conversation with me, and then was very worried because i'd been in there so long after she left. i don't know much. i won't say what i know, other than to say that i remember some of the inappropriatess, well abuse, from the dr. it would be considered gross sexual imposition in the court. i now rememeber that he gave me a shot. i don't trust my memory though. i have to have that police report! i don't know that i'll ever know what happened to me there. to make matters worse, it was allowed to be blocked so easily because no investigator, no one, called me after the filing! they should have and questioned and maybe known that i needed to go to the hospital for tests. i was then screwed by the system. once again i told. once again, no one heard me. maybe that's why it was blocked?

i remember now as well, a long time later (couple of years maybe) and investigator did call me. i don't know what was said as it had been blocked. so, when i remembered this weds, i had to investigate online to see if anything happened. i did just that.

there were at least NINE other claimants! this dr. was indcited on multiple counts of rape, sexual battery and gross sexual imposition. he pled to lesser charges of multiple counts of attempted rape (unaware for one), gross sexual imposition and sexual battery. he was put on five years probation, lost his medical license forever for anywhere in the u.s., and was forced to register as a sexual preditor.

no one ever told me. nothing. i was one of the first, if not the first, claimants. if they would've done what they were supposed to do for me possibly I would've had some justice, possibly there would have been no more victims, possibly i wouldn't have blocked this and be dealing with it now...knowing i'll never know what happened to me.

i still have to get that police report. i have to know what i can. they're making a copy of it for me from microfilm.

i don't know what to feel. i feel everything. i can't believe this happened to me AGAIN in my adult life. is that my reason for being on this earth??? sometimes i wonder.

i'm sorry it's so long, but i feel i should let y'all know what i'm dealing with because i'm not being myself here right now. i'll be ok. i always am.

thanks for listening,

kd