Notme,

I forgot to comment on the other part of your post. Yes, i can see how my choosing to stop emailing could help me feel more in control of what happens to me. . .rather than being the one to wait and hope, and then feel bad when i don't get a reply. It does sort of put the power onto my t and i'm at her mercy.

The idea of not emailing hurts, because i feel it as a withdrawal of something that i actually need. But emailing and not getting a reply hurts too. Either way, it feels like withdrawal, like a needing and going without. A calling out, and no reply.

It reminds me of times as a little girl when my mom would send me to bed and tell me she'd come up and tuck me in soon. And I'd wait. And wait. And call down the stairs, "Mom! Mom! Come tuck me in!" And the waiting felt endless. And one day, by the time she came upstairs to tuck me in, i was sobbing and heartbroken because i felt like if i had to call her and call her to get her to do it, she must not love me or want to. I don't know how old i was. Maybe 4-ish.

I felt the need for my mom so strongly. But i never felt like she wanted to be a mom or like she found pleasure in it. She did all the main things that were required. I had food, shelter, and clothing. But i didn't feel deeply loved. I felt like i was just. . .there.

My aunt told me one time that the reason my mom went back to work when i was 11 months old was because "she was bored at home." I was 11 months old, and my sister had just turned 2. And my mom was bored being with us. That just breaks my heart.