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Originally Posted by peaches100
Can anybody here give me a believable alternate explanation as to how it can be possible that i have a mom that does charity work, etc., but ignores my emotional needs completely? Because really, i don't have an explanation that makes sense. It doesn't fit. And that is why i always go back to blaming myself. That is why i think there must be some good reason why she didn't/doesn't show empathy/concern for my struggles. What could i have done for my mom to not want to help me? I always thought that maternal bonding was built it. Most mothers i know would put their lives at risk to protect their kids. Is it normal that when i told my mom that my neighbor put his hands down my pants, that she and my dad just said, "Don't go over and visit him anymore" and let the matter drop? Does it make sense that when i was hospitalized for feeling suicidal that neither one of my parents ever mentioned it? Yet my mom plays piano for the nursing home and knits sweaters for orphans and is the president of the women's club at her church. She's "all that" and more. It makes me feel that there is something terribly wrong with me that she would let me suffer alone with things.
Please help me understand how this is possible, and how it "isn't" my fault. Because i keep coming back to the idea that it must be something wrong with ME.  |
I know you are taking a little break right now, but I will respond anyway. First of all.... it IS'NT your fault!!! Your mother isn't a bad person, but still grossly neglected your emotional needs all your life. Try not to minimize that or blame yourself. Your mother has severe limits emotionally and that seems to be due to her own issues and not you or your sister.
When you describe these incidents from your childhood, it struck me how much she reminds me of the mother in that old movie "ordinary people". Do you remember that movie? The oldest son dies on a boat trip and the younger son survives. The mother, played by Mary Tyler Moore is unable to deal with emotions. She does happy and "perfect" but doesn't do anything complicated or messy. Totally ignores the needs of her surviving son. Even resents him for having those needs. (not saying your mom does that) She also is only concerned about "appearances"
Peaches, people sometimes do things for others out of selfishness or "appearances". Maybe your mom knits sweaters for orphans because it makes her look good in the eyes of others, and not really because she cares about the orphans. I mean, that is probably also why she ignored the old lady who needed help and went to play piano (where her generosity is more obvious to all). Even if she was emotionally unable to help the lady in the moment, she could have went to get a nurse to help her...it seems that she was not really concerned and even ignored pleas for help. That is huge Peaches!! And very sad. I hope you shared this with your T...I think it is so important! I understand how hard it is to see fault with your mother and how it is less painful to blame yourself.
Also, when you talked about waiting and waiting for your mom to come and tuck you in, and how you felt that she must not have really wanted to do that....that reminds me of what happened between you and your T when she finally offered you the hug after all those times you told her that you needed and wanted a hug. you thought your T must not really want to hug you, that she was just doing it because you hounded her. Do you see the connection?