You are not a monster. You are a person who was taken advantage of in a most terrible way and forced to do things against your will. I am sorry for all the shame and guilt you are feeling. It is not your fault you were a victim as was the little girl. Please try to give yourself the kindness you deserve. Obviously you are a very caring person or you would not be so distraught over what happened. Give yourself the same kindness that you would someone else that was abused in this way. Please take care.