It's a long story, slightly confusing but I am overwhelmed. My friends are tired of hearing about it all and I don't want to talk to them anymore.
I have been working as a live-in home executive/carer for 12 years. At the beginning I ran the house, paid bills, supervised grandchildren. Then I helped care for the husband who after many years of degenerative heart disease, untreated depression etc etc etc) eventually committed suicide. His wife has always suffered from anxiety, depression, phobias, OCD, etc but was under control until he died.(Her daughter was murdered 25 years ago)
I had mild depression following death of my grandmother when I was 12, my father when I was 20 and finally sort help after the death of my brother when I was 38. I was taking Effexor XR but I found the side effects debilitating and slowly weaned myself off it. 2 years later the asshole shot himself. His wife went to a dr's appt and he sent me on an errand. When I came back he had shot himself. Now his 89yr old wife is medicated to the hilt and planning a hip replacement in 2 months. Her moods are mercurial and her medication is hard to stabilize given her age.
I am stressed all the time!
My brain is constantly overwhelmed. I can not bear the phone ringing. I do not want more than one social interaction a day. I jump at the slightest noise..in fact I hate noise. I get very agitated if someone shuts a door too loudly, the microwave pings, the doorbell... anything.
My jaw, neck, shoulder and back muscles are always tight, I even wake up tense.
I was diagnosed with GAD, depression and PTSD. I think I can live with it but sometimes I want the world to stop so I can just relax for a few minutes.
I have had some therapy but I can not afford it or the medication. I was taking klonopin (25mg) to stop the feeling of being overwhelmed but eventually I was just too drowsy and confused.So I quit taking it. My dentist gave me valium for my TMJ and I try to only take that when it is really painful.
I guess I just need a place to vent. I have always hated being a burden or causing other people to worry. This forum seems anon. and that might help.
I never thought I would see someone shot or even know someone who would do it. It hurts that someone I cared for knew I would be traumatized by finding him. It is overwhelming to keep dealing with the fallout every single day.
I struggle daily and keep myself so busy I don't have time to think. When my "employer" and friend goes for hip surgery I don't know how I will cope.