I just stumbled across a random forum where a heavy drug user posted some interesting thoughts on the grief cycle. I am currently 1 year clean, after 10 years of heavy use of marijuana, LSD, ecstasy and cocaine. I have been struggling with living the clean lifestyle in that I still feel like an addict. I don't crave like I used to, but I am not happy. I am struggling to live. I have rage fits, still take advantage of everyone around me, and I am struggling to change. Upon reading about the grief cycle I had a revelation, and having no one to share this with, I would really like to share it with all of you. I hope you find something in it, as it applies to more than just drugs. As human beings we grieve over what we have lost and what we have felt, people, alcohol, drugs, loved ones, bad experiences, anything and everything, we grieve. It is human nature.

We associate drugs with something very bad, and thus we go through a grief cycle when we stop using.

The Grief Cycle

1) The original incident: death, trauma, in this case drug use

2) Denial - reality is too painful
feelings: sense of unreality, initial panic, fear, disbelief, confusion, defensiveness, delusion

3) Anger - painful response to the loss, ie no more drugs AHHH, we become angry when we can't control other people, places or things, an unhealthy expression of this is bitter resentment, abuse, depression
feelings: guilt, fear, aggression, mood swings, rage, blaming

4) Sorrow & despair - tears and crying, and unhealthy expression of this leads to self pity and depression
feelings: self pity, hopelessness, out of control, pain

5) Bargaining - process of wanting to change, it is important not to shift blame externally here, we must take responsibility and change for ourselves and others.
feelings: guilt, repression, should statements, self pity, compromise, shame, religious/spiritual acts

6) Acceptance - acknowledging that nothing lasts forever and taking the courage to accept it
feelings: wellness, surrendering, forgiveness, joy pain, humility, connected, awareness

I have been searching for reasons as to why I am not getting any better. I realized that although I am slowly moving on from anger, I am stuck in sorrow (I self pity) and a I am bargaining in a negative way. I still use external blame. I found reading this really helped me to understand where I am, where I have been, and where I need to go. I still have a long journey ahead of me, and any advice is greatly appreciated. I just hope somebody reads this and gets something out of it, like I did.

The question at present is, how do I get myself to stop self-pitying?