Gracey...lets just say you are soooooooooooo brave to talk about this and so if you can I will tell you your not alone....
I too am married and have been for 27 yrs. we have 3 grown young adults as they like to be called....but anyways...**deep breath** In the beginning of our relationship I too faked organism...and I would go somewhere else during the act...that to me is all it is and still is an act... I too have never had an organism...only have one when I ummmm masturbate....*shew* I have never experienced the love you have with your husband...we talk sometimes but most of our marriage I spent alone raising our kids while he worked on our farm.... I have and still have trouble trusting people. espically men..so I will not let myself get close to my husband or anyone because of the fear of abandonment I have....since going into therapy 3 1/2 years ago and more details of my childhood and past have came out and the flashbacks I had and still having....*whew* we have not had sex..... I thought it was because of him being so heavy and his body disgusted me and was a turn off...but my T says it goes deeper then that...my brother was big and heavy when he abused me and so was an uncle...so it brings back big memories....I am afraid of getting close to him because of the fear of him leaving me by having a heart attack or something...but I do not have any trouble being sexually attracted to me T though....sometimes I feel the urge to throw him on the floor and take him....UGH I know I am disgusted...but those are what I am struggling with.....the last year my hubby and I have gone once a week to my T for marriage counseling and it is making a difference...we talk more and spend more time together...but still no sex....no urge to with mt hubby yet....so do not feel like your going off the deep end.....if your going then I already went....I would like a book on it too....but in mean time talking to my T about it openly but it is very hard and I cannot look my T in the face yet....take care

Liquid I tried that link and I did not work and I saw no books....