Hi, Goodgirl62! Sounds as if your family believes in the "We'll berate you until your self-image improves" school of thought.
The question of the interrelationship of forgiveness and healing is exceptionally complex. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with any of the explanations of it I've heard or read.
For what it's worth, the following is a quote from Nina W. Brown,
Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents (2nd Edition, c. 2008, New Harbinger Publications), p. 242:
Quote:
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I'm often asked if the child of a self-absorbed parent should or has to forgive that parent, and my answer is no. Forgiveness may be possible at some point, but it is not a requirement. The child was injured at a deep level and is still being negatively impacted as an adult, and his energies are better spent on more positive pursuits...and establishing meaningful relationships.
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My dog
mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.