I am a prisoner to my rage. My head is ready to explode from my shoulders. I dare not leave my room for fear of what I will do with this rage boiling faster and faster inside.

I relented last night to my son's hounding to allow a friend to stay over. He wouldn't accept no for an answer. He wouldn't accept my refusal to discuss it any more. To hold him to our agreement. No friends until his room is clean. I told him that I was sticking to it this time. I was not listening to his empty promises. Deliver first. He wouldn't stop until I finally gave in behind a wall of frustrated tears. They both promised to clean the room tomorrow. Behind the tears I told them that I would not put myself through the stress of nagging them but if they didn't come through as promised the consequences for both of them would be major. I would wait to see.

I am livid for having been taking in again. Too livid to dare to leave my room. I have only enough control to keep myself locked in here. When I leave to go to the bathroom the best I can do is say nothing. Keep my mouth shut for my own sake. A good mother would say something. A good mother would insist they get to work. A good mother would not be a prisoner to her emotions. A good mother I am not. A sick head case I am. An out of control nut job is what I am. One day up, one day down. One day happy, one day flying off the handle. One day sailing, one day wailing.

The dog next store is barking incessantly. Something must be wrong. He is seldom outside for long and never this long in the pouring rain. Wonder if I should go check on the woman who lives there. Or maybe I should call the police. I would ask the boys to go check but I can't bring myself to speak to them. I pray they don't dare come to my door or I just know I will throw something at them. They would not be so foolish.

The barking has stopped now. Hopefully that means everything is okay. I wish I could sleep but I dare not try or efforts tonight will be futile. I wish I could get stoned but lucky for me I have nothing available to abuse. I wish I could fade away for a while. Just go numb for a while at least.

Nothing is working to calm me down. No breathing, no tapping, no music, no walk in the rain I took before the boys woke up. No warm shower, no songs of self affirmation prevent the rage and dispair from returning. From contoling me agin. The anger just rises with the recentment for having to do do do this and that and the other stupid rediculous useless coping thing again and again and again. I feel a prisoner to them and a fool for playing the game.

I come here to write.... hoping beyond hope that it will help me when nothing else has but alass I just feel humiliated for exposing my sorry state of existance. I just want to be normal again. To have a normal response to a normal life event. To be normal instead of the crazy person I have become. I just want off this insanity.