Thank you all very much. I am not sure what this is... very sad and low.... getting SU thoughts again - which really bug me! I do not want to think that way!!!! I do think it may be great fear of the unknown. I know what pain is like. I do not know what life will by like to allow the past to be turned loose. And maybe that cold alter mind is afraid the most - because that is the part I am going to set free.