Hey anjelmarie,
My thoughts are with you... do you have any kind of additional support of a therapist or meds? Those might help a bit. Please don't be too hard on yourself... mourning takes as long as it takes, sometimes it can be years and the pain is still right there. A therapist can really help to sort out those feelings. It's not your fault. With Rohag, I wish you some comforting and fulfilling memories tomorrow... Do you have a botanical garden near you? I have found these places very calming. Did you ever find church comforting? Maybe a moment of peace may be found there...