First off, where the hell is the RANT forum here? I didn't know where to post this for fear of it getting banned. But here is my current take on meds, and it's negative, that's why I put the trigger icon. It's a rant, full of sarcasm, and other ranty stuff.

BP is a guessing game...are we sick or not? Are we up or down? Are we level? Are we just how God made us and not embracing it? Indeed, if we embraced and accepted who we are, couldn't we just go about our living our lives in the same manner as others do, without any addictions to psychiatric meds?

NP: Porcupine Tree - Yellow Hedgerow Dreamscape, wow this is great!

Off to bed now, with a buttload of xanax.
Here's where the real rant begins, so sorry for anything repeated in the preface.

It's a balancing act with meds, but in the end it seems the goal is the same: find something that works and stick with it. It feels like I'm just finding some sort of combo to be hooked on. It is sort of an addiction, because at 5pm if I haven't had my second dose of lamictal I feel a little out of whack and disoriented. At night I can't sleep without xanax. It's like being addicted to drugs that give you no high. They aren't illegal, but you still get addicted to them, because they are psycho-active.

I dunno, I feel like just tapering off on my own and seeing if I can deal with life as God intended me to. I'm dropping depakote on my own for sure. It's useless. Xanax has become an absolute necessity for sleep. I use it like a conventional sleeping med, but it's more dangerous as xanax is psycho-active.

I'll bring up the idea of completely going off meds next p-doc appt. We'll see what happens. Maybe I should go to a chiropractor for a 6-month treatment course, 3 times a week, and when my facets are properly aligned, and there is no more subluxation, my neural paths will be normal and I will be able to go on my merry way. And then maybe I can stick some pads onto my feet and stick them in water, and then I'll pull them out and the water will be black, and my body and brain will be detoxified!

See what I'm getting at? There is so much that is unknown about this stuff. We are subjects of inferential science, if you want to even call it that. I understand for people who have very specific clear diagnoses, these meds can be a god-send. But for those of us who just linger along in the abstract, what good are we doing ourselves by experimenting with addicting psycho-active drugs. Maybe we have a tendency to be hypochondriacs and if we can recognize that, among other things, we might be able to come to the realization that we don't need to be addicted.

Maybe I'm just overly frustrated by all of this. I'm gaining confidence that I can do it without meds. I don't believe in alternative therapy. I don't believe in chiropractic. Maybe I can convince myself that I don't believe in prescribing meds for a condition that cannot be confirmed. Hey, I guess there's only one way to find out right? I'm gonna tell p-doc I'm going off, and if he tries to get me to stick colored lenses on my eyes or detoxifying pads on my feet, then I guess I'll know where I stand with him!