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Hope4me2 said:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Samantha}}}}}}}}}}}}}
welcome to PC and so sorry your going through this...what you wrote is so true and so powerful...you are very talented with putting your thoughts down on paper...good way to get your feelings out...
Have you shared this with your T....when I write things down or post here I print it out and take it in with me for the next session....take care and look forward to getting to know you around the boards...
xoxoxoxo

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First please forgive a question from the new girl, but what does it mean when you do;
{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hope4me2}}}}}}}}}}}}}???

Second, well yes I shared this with my therapist, I've been less than pleased with the responce, on the one hand she looked like she was going to cry and said, Oh Samantha I'm sorry I had no idea . . . Then she said okay, we'll get to the PTSD later and went right back to trying to visualize a new better future. I don't get it . . . I'm trying to heal, trying to keep from sinking into depression so bad that I want to end the pain for good, and she starts talking about "creating" my future by fixing it in my mind and visualizing it clearly.

Mind you I tried to do things her way, and that sank my into a depressive state in spite of the meds. Okay, so the meds were a bit low in dosage, that's been fixed now, but still. Last thing I need is someone having me do things that trigger . . .

Last thing I need is someone not listening to me, working with me, hearing me. That is another big trigger with me, my husband and in-laws did this to me all the time . . . Wanted more and more from me and didn't listen, didn't answer my cries for help, support, tenderness . . .

Oh, okay, I'm not going to get myself started, I need to try and get some sleep . . . Tuesday I have to goto Social Security ALONE and deal with beurocrates who are there to tell me NO, something I have trouble with . . . I spent years working, paid into the system, and don't want to be on it, but I don't have much choice because my lawyer is screwing up my divorce and making things worse by not listening to me either . . . I'm trying to heal, want very much to get some kind of job, but I have to take meds to be able to function, and well the amount I need to take to drive to work, hold down a job, deal with people, fight the fear and terror eating my soul, AND drive home makes it impossible to drive, OR function in any meaningful fashion . . . So I wouldn't be able to hold down a job, deal with people, drive OR fight the fear and terror oh AND keep my from having flashbacks when I hear the wrong tone of voice or any number of hundreds of other stupid things that set me off . . .

Sorry . . . Didn't mean to go off, time for a Xanax I think since I'm starting to get panicy again and my head is racing, again . . .

Yeah, one thing I have going for me is I can write . . . My diary has volumes, just for this year I wrote so much already. I get about three and a half to four months to a standard 200 page composition book. Who knows, maybe I'll get well enough to write "Hubby Dearest" from the heart, and from my diary entries . . .

Dear Diary,

Hope4me2 says I can write! Seems there may be hope for me too? Please? I'm a good girl. I did nothing wrong. I did not cause this. I did nothing to deserve this. . .