It seems like when I am alone I struggle the most. Not a huge surprise, this is the time when my mind is able to run free. I try to read or watch tv to keep myself occupied, but find that I get bored. How much brain candy can I actually take? I decided to take time off of work to work on my recovery but I am spending more time than ever crying.

Yesterday was a good day, mostly. The morning was tough. Had a meltdown with hubby over nothing - wound up in tears in his lap. Although he knows that I have these melt downs almost daily, I am pretty good about having them in private. I try really hard not to do that in front of him. I hate when he sees me like that. I get weak and say things I don't mean. So I melt down alone and tell him about it (sometimes) in conversation. During my meltdown yesterday, I told him that I thought it would be better if I moved out - he would be better alone and I could move back in when I was healthy again?!? I don't mean that!!! He knows that.

When the melt down ended, we decided to get out of the house and went to play pool for a few hours and had a bite to eat. We had a great date and a ton of fun (and I kicked his butt.) The day got better.

Now today I am alone and I woke up in a state of full anxiety because I had to chat with my boss to transition off the last of my work as I move fully into disability. There was absolutely nothing to stress about, the conversation took 20 minutes, but I woke up with a list of reasons in my head why it was going to go wrong, why I would get fired when I finally went back to work, blah, blah, blah. Signs of a sick girl. And of course, I started to cry. Had breakfast, watched crappy tv, talked to boss, conversation went fine, she was supportive, I cried, now I'm pouring my heart out online.

I have session #2 today with my new pdoc. On my new meds, day 2, way too soon to know if they're going to help. Oh yeah - pdoc called because he had a cancelation and could get me in today to see me again - our last appt was Saturday. This is a REALLY good thing for me. But...here was my initial reaction. "He must think I'm really messed up...he just saw me 2 days ago so if he's putting me at the top of the list and calling me so quickly to get me in again, then I must be more messed up than I thought...oh my g-d, what's wrong with me???" Versus the truth, which is simply that I have found a GOOD pdoc, who recognizes that I need some intense support right now and is trying to help me!!!

HELP ME!!! I keep saying this but I want my life back. I want these feelings to go away. I look at my wedding photos from just over a year ago and I see this happy, happy woman and I don't recognize her anymore. I don't know who she is and where she went (I am crying again.) I remember what I felt like then. I was carefree. I was outgoing. I was optimistic and I looked forward to what tomorrow would bring. I don't know exactly when it all got so bad but I remember what it used to be like and I don't want this...I want my old life back. I want to laugh and joke and have fun with my husband again. I want to get dressed up on a Saturday night and really look forward to going out and not have to drag myself because I feel guilty because I've kept me and hubby in for the past few weekends.

This is what happens to me when I'm alone and my brain gets going. Oh how I hope that one day it is right again...I have been here before, I have become healthy and made it to the other side of depression so I know that it will happen but I need to find my strength to get through the now. But sometimes it is just so damn hard.