I think I'm going to ask T in session, not by emails. But I don't know if I can trust her to tell the truth. I work in a clinic and I know how things really are.

*****TRIGGER - Honest talk about T's behind the scenes - May trigger trust issues with T*******

I really don't mean to make anyone paranoid, but because I do assessments in a clinic, I definitely know that T's talk. I have talked with them. T's say, "This person is really getting on my nerves" and "I don't think this person's going to do well in treatment" and sometimes they laugh about people if their issues are sort of funny. They keep up a veneer in session, but they are human behind the scenes. I, too, am human. I'm not going to lie. With colleagues (NOT with friends, NOT outside the clinic, ONLY with professionals), I have laughed about people with compulsive masturbation, I have complained about how annoying some kid is, I have worried that someone I've done an assessment on will not get better in therapy.

I just don't know if I'm "that girl." You know? I don't know when my T is being honest with me. I don't know if she's keeping her humanity from me. I don't know.

I think she is more honest than the average T. But that doesn't guarantee that she is not complaining about me to her husband (she'd never use my name, but still) or to her supervisor or to her colleagues. It doesn't guarantee that she's not laughing about me behind the scenes, or silently worrying about my prognosis. *sigh* And she wouldn't be honest, if she thought it would harm me. I don't think any T would do something they thought might hurt someone. So what if the truth is being kept from me for my own good? I don't like that.

It would be much simpler to act out until she snaps, but I won't do that to her. I wish there were some way to get the truth for real. I don't know how to trust what she says.