(((((((((((((((Jexa))))))))))))))))
I think i know how you feel...sometimes when i'm having a tough time or someone in my life is GIVING me a hard time...like my significant other..I might be like a real b**ch to them, to sort of confirm the feelings of badness. Like, when I feel bad, I almost need to be confirmed and punished for it, whether it's real or imagined.
But the thing is, I always forget that i have control..not bad...not deserving to be punished or push someone away and make them angry...im better than that...and it's all really about the fact maybe with you that you didn't do anything wrong...but because of reasons unknown, it's like you can control the situation...and your badness...by making these things play out like they always have and always do.
I do this all.of.the.time. it feels especially crappy when i play out this drawn out drama, get so upset...feel just awful, have a breakdown, etc...then look back and TRY to remember where it all went wrong...and it is just something small, something that could've just stayed small if i had let it...
I dont want to imply that this is your situation,...just what happens to me when i experience what you describe...lots of hugs and strength for you...