Thanks PS - I do try very hard to be honest, especially on this board. As far as my frustration with T, maybe it is because I always want so much to know the truth, the real truth, the whole truth. Is it wrong for me to want that, or is it a part of my personal values and worth holding onto? Isn't there intrinsic value in knowing the truth about things? Is pragmatism really the be-all end-all? Do I only care about what will make me feel better, or is it okay that I want to know every facet? Why do I need to know? I'm not sure. I don't want to accept that it's okay for T to dislike me on one hand, and pretend she likes me to my face. I just, ugh. I don't like that. Doesn't everyone feel that way?

dhf, it really is the unknown. I guess maybe I need to know because I feel the need to ensure my safety. I need to predict what others will do, so I can protect myself in the future. I know there is no way to ensure this. I have such a hard time giving up my control. This fear runs deep, this fear is in the core part of me. Giving up control. Oh boy. Never knowing if I am really safe. Oh Christ.. this is about the most frightening thing I can imagine!

tree, thanks so much. Yes, at the clinic we pretty much all know the people, or if we are talking together about the person we both know them. It does feel pretty natural to vent this way.. but then it makes me wonder what T is saying behind my back, ugh. The behind the scenes chatter, especially the stuff that hits close to home for me, is hard to deal with sometimes. But that's just my stuff.

Thanks for saying I described the feeling well! I really love processing things on this board because of that. It really helps me clear the fog. I don't see T until Friday, but I'm going to try to keep this fresh in my mind. I think you're right.. these feelings are really important to process with T. My last T was very behavioral and I guess her approach helped me control the actual acting on urges, but maybe processing deeper stuff will take away the urges.

Giving up the urges would mean relinquishing control..
Whew. I don't know.