((((Kaika))))

Thank you for taking the chance to reach out and to post. I am sorry this is all going on for you and that you are having to try to figure this all out. My heart is right there with you and I understand what you are feeling and going through. I too have questioned and wanted to denigh and scream NO and run from all the feelings and thoughts that have invaded me for so long.

Trying to find some other answer to see something else must be wrong. But as many times as I denighed, as many times as I looked the other way, as many times as I sakd there is no way this could have happened, the feelings just got stronger and would keep putting this pressure on me until I felt I was going to burst oopen at the seams and never be able to be put back together.

The more I tried to make it go away and to say that it was not so, the worse I felt and the more anxious and feelings would appear. The more I withdrew and could not stop the non-stop screaming from somewhere within myself and the voices that were not my own yet they were. And the more I tried to not listen, to not be there the more they woudl push against my head.

The headaches, the feelings, the thoughts tht were not mine yet unrelenting, the tears or lack of but emotions that would hit from no where as if to say you are going to listen to me. I am here and I am not going anywhere because I am truth that you do not want to look at.

The worry about others that would say I was not telling the truth and that nothing happened. This was happening long before ai even said anything. They do not want the truth out. They do not want anyone to know. And you yourself, do not want this to be so. Who does? It is something that is wrong and the lies encircle us and tell us no one will listen and no one will care.

Lies that have infiltrated us to not see so that we will not look at the truth. Deceiving lies that are not ours to own but those of others that have done these things to us. I do not know of anyone who does not carry these lies and until we can find it within ourselves to stop giving the lies the credit they do not deserve, we continue to question.

I do know where you are,. For even now, I still try to make it all go away. To make myslef tuck it all away somewhere where no one will see, or know. I still fear no one will be there if they know all. I still am terrified that I will not be believed and that would crush me like a bolder and send me under to a place I could not come back from.

Those within myself hold the keys to what happened. And turning away from them is turning away from myself. AndI turning away from myself I am trapping me in a place that there is no help. Trying hard to reach yet pulling back with fear. If they can keep us locked within and questioning, then they do not nave to face the truth.

We are listening and we understand so much of what you feel. If those feeling are there and they are that strong there is a reason. Know that we are not questioning you. I think we all go through this at some point. Please keep reaching out, keep ranting if you have to. Know that we are here for you and we care.

We believe you and we believe that you have a right to be heard. There is no expectations or conditions you have to meet to be believed here. Something is screaming out to you from within. I hope you will keep posting and talking. You are important and you are worth figurung this out. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps