I have been living with my alcoholic husband (his father killed him self by drinking himself to death) and for years I just let him be passed out on the couch at night and ignored it like the "elephant in the living room". He is very difficult to get along with, argumentive, boastful and just plain a ****** to be around, has lost almost of all his friends. He is addicted to his mistress, alcohol. I threatened to divorce him, argued with him, begged him to stop, took pictures of him passed out to show him, wrote him letters begging him to stop and/or threatening to leave him. None of that worked. I am seeing a therapist now and he has taught me some things. #1- my daughter and I need to have a safe home without a drunk passed out there. He asked me if I would allow him to come party at my house all weekend and pass out on my couch. I told him, no way. "That is what I am allowing" my husband to do. I was told to no longer give him idle threats (only follow through with my clear boundries). Do not allow him to come into our home after drinking, do not engage with him when he is drinking. Do not get in a car or allow my daughter to get in a car with him when he has been drinking. I told him that he will not be allowed in our house if he has been drinking and that I will not talk with him if he has been drinking. I wrote out my boundries for him on a paper and left it for him when I left for work. This was after about 2 weeks of not having a conversation with him when he was drinking. I would just tell him that I will not talk with him when he is drinking and I would leave the room. He got angry and would tell me that I have such a temper. My teenage daughter was told to do the same thing. My Mom is angry at my husband and dislikes him at this point and my therapist says that she is right to feel this way, as my husband is not treating his family fairly. She is right to feel this way, until (and if) my husband gets well and makes amends with all he has affected. I pray this will happen someday (sooner than later, I hope). Alcoholics don't wake up one day and proclaim that it's a good day for recovery. There is always a motivating factor, divorce papers, boss's ultimatum, or a family intervention, etc. When something in an alcoholic life adversely affects our life, it becomes our business and whom ever the alocoholic affects! The price a family pays with an untreated alcoholic makes it clear that alcoholics do not have the right to say that is nobodys business. This is a family disease. After now no longer making idle threats, but solid boundries, my husband has decided to get help. He has been going to AA meetings every morning at 6am for 2 weeks now. He says that he has not had a drink in 2 weeks. My therapist said that he should not be living at home until he has been to 90 meeting in 90 days without a drink. But, he has no where to go, so he is still here. If I find him drinking I will ask him to leave and not come back until the 90 has been met (I really don't care where he goes at this point-my daughter and I deserve a peaceful home) My only problem now is, sometimes my daughter and I think he has drank. We smell it on him or he acts strange. I work all day and my daughter is at school. My husband is unemployed, so he is home alone all day. But, I find no physical evidence of him drinking (bottles). So, I can't really accuse him of it with out proof. I have read that it takes a long time for a normal personality to come back after an addiction, so I attribute the strange behavior on this (and the smell of alcohol as my imagination?) This is a cunning and baffling disease! I have questioned my own sanity through all this many times and now that he claims he is not drinking, I am still doing it! I want to question him about the behavior and smell, but he got mad and defensive when I have done that. Midcilla, one book that I love that is helping me through this is "No More Letting Go, the Spirituality of Taking Action Against Alcoholism and Drug Addiction" by Debra Jay. I am also going to a Codependents woman's group through my church that gives me support. Haven't made it to alanon, yet, but am anxious to. You am wondering if your husband is an acoholic. According to the AA book (the Big Book) "Drinkers who are not alcoholics can change their ways, even when they are heavy drinkers; alcoholics cannot, with out outside help." Alcoholism isn't determined by how much you use or when you use, but by what happens as a result. I hope that maybe some of my experiences here might help you. You DO need to set boundries and the peace and safety of your family is number one. You can not change him, but you can control how you react to him. Good Luck, you are in my prayers. PS~sorry that this is so long, I just went on a tangent .