Quote:
Originally Posted by flora_poste
Wow, that's really sad that your parents are like that. My mom had her own depression and by all right should not have been a mom. We had a terrible relationship till a couple years after I moved to the opposite coast. I left abruptly and I cut her off for a while. She was very controlling and scared to death to be alone, so she kept me down so I wouldn't want to leave. I don't think she fully realized thats what she was doing. My grandma is the same way (but waaaaaaaaay worse). My mom even told me when I was in the 7th grade that she'd disown me if I went to college and left her. When I did find the courage to leave, she realized that if she didn't change her attitude toward me she wouldn't have a daughter.
I also realized that just because she was a terrible parent, it doesn't mean she's a bad person. She had a mother much worse than she was, so she didn't have a good maternal role model and she'd been through so much that it just wasn't in her to show me love or affection. Up until a couple years ago I genuinely thought she hated me. Now we're good friends. I'm VERY thankful for it.
Unfortunately, your parents might not be as easy. Some people just don't know how to deal with problems other than avoidance and denial. Your parents were not fit to raise a child, quite obviously. I'm sure they know on some level, It's probably too painful for them to even acknowledge to themselves that they weren't good parents and they are probably the reason why you are in so much pain. I know if I were a mother, it would kill me to know I made my kids life a living hell. My grandmother beat my mom bloody (literally) with belts and wire hangers. She also left her own mother to starve and die even though she lived a block away. She still denies everything and swears she was the perfect mother and daughter. My grandmother is now in her 80's, making my moms life hell and is completely miserable because she can't see anything past herself. It's sad. Some people refuse to see reality and will never see it. Sometimes it's just best to accept people for what they are and keep your distance for your own well being. I know I could never go back home because I'd be driven crazy and manipulated. But let me tell you, since I left and cut them off for a while, both my mom and grandmother treat me like gold. The only way to change someones behavior is to 1st change yours. They still may not change, but they'll likely respect you more for not needing them or their approval.
I wish you much luck!
|
Hi Flora Poste,
It sounds like your mom, even though she was controlling, was very dependent on you emotionally. It was good that you had the courage to take a stand when you needed to, even if it meant moving far away. By doing that, it seems like your relationship with her improved. Do you think that she respected you for doing what you needed to do, rather than allowing her to control you? Or maybe she missed you so much after you moved, she realized she'd better appreciate you more and stop trying to control your life!
Although my mom never acted outwardly needy toward me, I've recently begun wondering if she privately resented my attempts to separate from her and pursue friendships in childhood. My father said something a couple of years back about how "strongly" I separated from my mom, I forget the words he used. Also, there was a time a few years ago, when i told my mom i recalled crying and being very upset as a child when she went on her business trips. She responded, "Well, you never seemed very interested in being around me or talking to me when i was home, I thought it wouldn't matter." I was floored to hear her say that. I don't recall not wanting to be around her as a young elementary school child.
What i remember is wanting her to stay home, and getting very upset and sad when she was leaving town and when my parents frequently left us with babysitters! I even worried about them when they went out at night, not wanting to go to sleep until i knew they were back home safe.
It was only when i became a teenager that i began making an intentional choice to spend time with my friends rather than stay at home. But even then, it wasn't a rejection of my parents (at least i didn't mean it to be). I just preferred being around my friends. My parents let me decide what i wanted to do, so i assumed it was OK to go with my friends instead of hanging around with them. But based on those two comments above, I've started wondering if my mom resented me for it. Maybe she felt that my friends were more important to me than she was? If so, it could explain why she didn't stand up for me when my dad picked on and ridiculed me. Of course, I'm just grasping at straws here. There's no way to know for sure. It makes me sad to think that my choice to be with my friends may have caused a big rift in our relationship. I certainly didn't pick up on it at the time. Had i known she actually felt bad about not spending more time with me, I probably would have gone with my friends less and spent more time with her. But i recall feeling that it didn't matter to them either way.
I've tried to figure out what about her childhood may have made her the way she is today. She was not raised in an abusive home. She was the youngest of her siblings and had 4 sisters, who were all quite a bit older than she was. One of her older sisters was actually her school teacher for a time. Being the youngest, she would not have had any experience with raising any younger brothers or sisters, and i don't remember her ever mentioning that she'd ever even babysat for anyone. My guess is that she may have gotten alot of attention growing up, and that she came to expect that as an adult too. But by the age of 20, she had two babies that needed paying attention to and caring for. I don't think she had the skills for it, and may actually have not wanted to do it (we were both accidents).
My mom told me once that she didn't eat well when she was pregnant with me. I asked her if she had alot of morning sickness, and she said No. So that makes me wonder if she was, in fact, depressed that she was pregnant again. My sister was 4 months old when she got pregnant with me, and she said she didn't think she could get pregnant while she was nursing. So i may have come along as an unhappy accident.