I am really upset right now. And right now it isn't even with me. I actually feel anger at my mother. I actually think this is a good thing, because usually in these situations I would cut myself or purge, but I haven't done that yet.

It is just really hard right now because I am very upset with my mother. She says horrible things, which she says she does without thinking. However, I still think she has some control over it. She says obviously mean things and then tells us we are misunderstanding her. She spent the past two days upset that we were sad because she said something stupid. It hurts and I am afraid of her so I hid in the basement. I know that sounds dumb but she scares me.

Wow. I am afraid of my own mother. I don't like my own mother. I am supposed to love her and I can't. She hurts and I can't do it. I want to cry but I can't. For the first time, I actually want to hurt her. Not something I would carry out, and nothing specific, but I want her to feel the pain that she caused and still causes me. How could she do this to her family? How could she do this to me? Why do I keep hurting myself because she hurts me?

Now she is not speaking to me because she overheard me talking to my dad about how she told me when I was 6 years old that my dad wasn't going to love me now that my sister was born. This was all true, and I wanted to ask about it but didn't know that she was near enough to listen. Normally, I would feel like I betrayed her but no, she betrayed me.

She hit me with a wooden spoon. She hit me with a rolled up yoga mat and when I sprained my thumb I had to tell kids at school that I did it while playing basketball. She blamed me for it because she said I shouldn't have put my hands up to defend myself. She faked her own death multiple times and I would try to wake her up and she would stay laying down until my dad made her get up. Then she would laugh at me for crying. She blamed me for her heart attacks and told me that she would die soon if I was bad. She told me never to tell anyone what went on in our house.

There is so much, but I can't right now. I don't feel safe anywhere. I just want to feel safe, protected, and cared for. I want to be held. I want to be loved. I feel so vulnerable, like a little child. And I don't know how to make this go away.