Your post is a testimony to the power of psychcntral...you really GREW from us, you started out admitting things to yourself, had a feel for a need for hope, and yes, journaling is hard but for me the pain from journaling is always rewarded in the end..you show such insight...and then to hear you post again and have called your T..it brought me to tears, your post was so, so moving, thank you..I think who decides is a search for where your illness comes from, at what point it all got this way, where it begins and where it ends..only when we go to heaven to we find the reasons God had and we WILL be able to ask at THAT point why, God, why?