 I know what this is now - this is DESPAIR to it's ultimate extent:
(v) To lose all hope.
(v) To be overcome by a sense of futility or defeat.
(n) Complete loss of hope.
 Despite it all, I never imagined that I would ever reach this point.
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"I walked a mile with Pleasure; she chattered all the way, But left me none the wiser for all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow and ne'er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her when Sorrow walked with me!"
(Robert Browning Hamilton; "Along The Road")
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