I've been looking at the posts for days. I'm spending alot of time lately on the computer, and trying to decide where I'm at. I was diagnosed over ten years ago. I was on disability all that time, and I felt so guilty. I involved myself with every volunteer organization that I could and often kept very busy. I know that there has been something wrong eith me, maybe just a pervasive underlying sadness countered by periods of intense focus and acheivement. A year ago, I formulated a plan to get back to work. I went through VESID, and got only limited help, but lost my social security. I didn't care, I was back, so I just used student loans and decided that I would make good up[on my graduation. I graduated with a 3.8 GPA but found that after ten years of disability, I found no good reason to use to explain my employment gap. Now, I am homeless, without meds, and no-one will hire me. On top of that, I feel like crap. I' am (was until this week) trying so hard to keep my head up but I am afraid that I might be failing, I mean curling up. I'm afraid to look at where I'm at and give in to the monster. I have been denying my diagnosis so hard, my step forward is suddenly becoming a nightmare. Please talk to me, I have lost my friends and have no other support really. I cant even discuss this matter with the friend that I see now, because this individual is scared to death of the idea of bipolar, thinking that they(we) are potentially dangerous people. I am a responsible and kind individual and just dont want to be seen by people that way.