I am sharing this because I believe if you can get stuff out you can get better...here goes
I was raped when i was 16 and never told anyone until now I always made excuses that i deserved it because I had a few drinks not to the point of blackout but it happened at a college party ( was invited because I knew the sister of the guy having the party and the whole group of us were there) I blocked this out for a very long time and just recently had some triggering memories smells taste etc. When I told my Theripist finally i thought i was going to throw up it took me back to when i locked myself in a bedroom and got in the shower and cried. the kicker of the story is my supposed friends watched as the whole thing happened, and thought it was funny because i finally lost my virginity, but the things i ask why didn't i scream louder why did he not stop when i told him no, why did i go numb and just lay there i guess i was scared. I suppressed this thing for so long I dont know if i will ever be able to let it go..and i would justify the fact because i thought it wasnt the standard incident of a girl being wisked away, i was there by choice so i believed i deserved it...did I? and sometimes i fool myself and say it wasnt rape at all because i did not fight hard enough..i even feel now as I am writting i think i never told my mom my sister i just went to sleep hoping never to wake up but i did and i pushed it so far down so deep its hard to cope sometimes i put on a bright cherry face and swallow the tears.. thank you for letting me share have to go to T tonight this has been really bothering me so that will be the topic i guess sorry so long hope i did not offend anyone this just helps a little