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Sigh. I have to rant yet again, cause seriously? It's never going to end.
I finally plucked up the courage to become a responsible adult, I told my dad and aunt that I'm done being their slave, that I'm going to go to the school I want, that I'm going to get the job I want (which I already did) and that I'm going to live my own life without any input from them whatsoever.
It was extremely hard for me to do this, while dealing with my therapy at the same time, but my T said this confrontation was a direct result of my evolution in the past three months and that she's very pleased and happy for me.
Now, what did I get from my parents? Let's see. First they said it was the world's fault that I decided to "go against them". That I couldn't possibly think for myself, like I'm retarded or something. Then they added that I will never be able to do anything on my own, so I will end up crawling back to them and they'll turn me down, obviously. And then they complained about the amount of money they spent with me the entire time I was growing up. Well, I'm sorry I was born, what am I supposed to do now? Play the guilty card forever so that I always end up doing what they want me to do?!
My mom is the only one that is here for me, though she's not allowed to. My father clearly told her that if she contacts me in any way, shape or form, she'd have to pack her things and move out. I've been told by my aunt that I simply do not exist anymore, now that I'm on my own. T says it's because she's losing influence over me, so duh.
So. Yesterday I exploded on everyone. I was talking to my aunt on the phone, trying to make her understand that all people need to live THEIR life and she started blaming my mother for this "disaster", as she put it. That my mother shouldn't have had me in the first place, because oh my, I turned out to be a disappointment. And how my dad tried everything. My dad was nothing but a lousy drunk until I was 12 and then he went to rehab because my aunt MADE him go, not because he wanted to. I never had a father. He was never there for me. Why the hell does everyone think he's a freaking saint?! He does nothing but abuse the people around him. The constant yelling, threatening, shoving around etc. They think it's normal!! "What, everyone gets mad" - that's what my aunt says. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. We do get mad, but we don't push our kids and wives around, just cause we're tough and we can.
I'm extremely angry. So angry that I could shove something down my dad's throat. Quite possibly my aunt's sick and twisted brain. It's okay for them to do as they please, but it's bad when others do it, too. Talk about double standards. My aunt told me numerous times that I can talk to her honestly about things and yesterday when I finally did (only because I got so angry, I just couldn't help it)? She called my dad and told him everything I said. Every little thing. And somehow that makes me the bad guy in the story, even though the only thing I did was to leave my house. I didn't take anymore money from them, I found myself a job and I'm trying to manage. It's not like I told them "you know what? give me money, but I'm gonna go and do absolutely nothing all day long". No.
I think this relationship with my aunt and dad is a goner. I don't even want to talk to them ever again. Actually, you can't talk to them. It's one thing you say and a totally different one they want to hear. My dad already stopped talking to me, almost two weeks ago. My aunt however tried to manipulate me to go back home and do what they want me to. I resisted and now I'm being treated like I'm clinically insane. Well then, I guess the entire planet is clinically insane, since we're all struggling to have a life of our own. Am I doing something that's so wrong? Sometimes I wonder if I'm the one that needs to take a step back and look at things. I was so sick of being a simple spectator to my life, I decided to take the reins. And...I'm being shot for it. I guess it's a bad thing.
It's times like these when I wonder if it would be better to end it all. After all, I am the biggest disappointment ever. Sigh.
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