I have been struggling with depression for over a year. I had a stressful promotion directly and was dumped by a boyfriend I thought was "the one" (even though we were together less than a year). As my work stress and isolation grew, so did my obsession with my ex, leading me to therapy.

Things got worse during busy season at work. I would sob and contemplate suicide on a regular basis. My obsessive emailing to the ex got worse when I was stressed and depressed. I finally decided I had to lose the job to get well. I knew I needed a less stressful life or I would be in deep trouble. So I left the job (mutually - my employer wanted to restructure anyway).

Just a week after I was free of the job my mother had a heart attack. I flew back to where she lives, which is in an isolated rural area. For various reasons, including the fact that I don't drive, I feel trapped. I feel terribly guilty for thinking this, but I feel like the energy and opportunity I had for starting a new life is gone. My chance to get life on track dissipated before my eyes.

I also feel very alone in the world now. I don't have a significant other or close friends. I see my Mom struggling with her health and I selfishly fixate on the probability that when this happens to me I will have no one to be there for me.

I want to be strong and whole to help my mother through this, but I feel fragile and less centered than anyone else around me. I feel invisible, as I have no purpose now. Even caring for my mother is my father's primary job - I'm just helping.

So I started messaging my ex in the hope of support during this time, which was a huge mistake. He was not supportive and I ended up emailing him anyway. He blocked me. this has made me incredibly depressed and guilty.

I feel I have no one in my corner and little strength to pull myself up. Since leaving my job I no longer have a therapist. My therapist recommended anti depressants, but I knew that if I could get my life in order (exercise, diet, support group) I wouldn't need them. Now I can't get my life in order, but I do not have the finances for therapy and meds either.

I don't know what I'm looking for here, just a place to put this.