I dont think of you as a victim. you see a therapist once told me you may feel like a victim but victims are still in the siutation still being abused. A survivor is someone who lives through the abuse and is now out of the siutation. So in my way of thinknig you are a survivor and will continue to survive. and someday maybe you wont feel like a victim any more.

Oh man did I ever wish my stepfather dead. Not only dead but I wanted him to die before my mom and a very painful death.

one day I got a call from my mom. he was in the hospital - heart failure. and the rest of his organs were slowly and painfully shutting down, he was in so much pain that pain killers would not touch it and he was no longer lucid and the options were a long term facility where he could slowly die and be in pain or she she could pull the plug. she pulled the plug. My first thought when I recieved the call saying he was gone was WOW I'm finally free. that lasted about a week then depression and guilt and anger set in. I had lost the only person I knew as a father figure, I felt guilty because maybe my going public against him and that stress added to his health problems, I didn't even try to go see him before they pulled the plug even though I was told they will hold on until I get there if I wanted to see him and say I forgive you (not for him but for me), I had wished him dead and go through a painful death and it happened.. so many things to feel guilty about. and the rage that he never once told me he was sorry and so on was also there.

his death was one of the reasons became suicidal and my son went into foster care the first time.

Not saying you shouldn't wish him dead because that is all apart of the healing process - expressing anger even if it is saying you want the person dead. Just letting you know you are not alone