BLAH. I have been out of treatment for seven weeks now, and I have only seen T three times-- and all three times, he saw me for no cost. I just started my new job. I haven't been able to see him because there was absolutely no way I could afford it. We have been keeping in touch by phone. I don't get paid until the 2nd week of April.

For awhile, I have been okay with this. Of course I missed him and our sessions, but I didn't think about it too much-- I seemed to be getting along just fine. This is mostly due to the support system that I now have. I go to 12-step meetings on a daily basis, I have a sponsor, and I go to an intensive outpatient program with a good therapist and great group members. However, things seemed to float right along after getting out of treatment. The wonder of being clean for the first time, practicing the spiritual principles which I have been taught thus far, and just experiencing the world in a new way, has been nothing short of amazing.

But as the weeks go on, it becomes difficult to adjust to my new life. It is still incredible, but my brain functioning and moods are totally thrown off, as my mind and body were completely psychologically and physiologically dependent on tranquilizers. As my sobriety progresses, stuff is coming up for me, emotions are getting kicked around, memories are coming back. While I get great support from those I have mentioned, I really need to be with my T. I really need the person who knows me best, and the person I feel most comfortable accessing my deepest and most painful emotions with. I am so ready to do the work-- most of my time in therapy was spent trying to do work, but turning away from it by using because I didn't want to feel... but I am ready. I really, really miss my T.

I know that I will be able to go back, and that I have already survived a total of 14 weeks with only three sessions (I went to treatment 1150 miles away from home, for seven weeks). But it seems like such a long time away.