I'm a very confused person i think. This is my second post here, but i guess i ought to explain what happened before, A couple of months ago, i wrote here asking for advice on whether to tell my fiance that i had been intimate with another man before he came along (even though we did not go all the way). we have been together for 3 years now and really happy but then, he thought i was completely innocent. My fiance is a little possessive (NOT in the dangerous way) and does not believe in multiple relationships, n i hid that fact but was feeling guilty everytime he tells me how honest we were with each other. And a few people asked me to let it go, and live in the present, but i couldn't and finally told him what happened.
He was hurt and he tried to forget it and convince himself that i was innocent and manipulated into it. And I could not find it in myself to say anything further. The thing is, I did not have any relationship as such with that other man, but that intimacy was only physical i'm ashamed to say, i could not feel anything for that guy, n it started off by mistake n lasted maybe 2 weeks, i think i used him as he used me because during that time i was lonely and needed a man and i was in love with my fiance but did not think he would return my feelings, so that guy was like a substitute. Im too ashamed to admit i acted on pure physical need and maybe the other guy also manipulated me but i was a willing partner. But the weird part is, I din like him even when that was happening, I even hated his touch sometimes. I told my fiance only that i was a willing partner and i did not resist that guy. He feels that i was some sort of victim whereas thats not the case, i told him m not a victim but i couldn explain fully why, because he will definitely lose respect for me,so now i still feel that m hiding something again and having that guilt trip all over again. I know that for most people this is nothing serious but its different in the culture of the country i live in. most of all i believe that when u love a person, one should know all the good and bad parts and still love but m afraid to let the bad part be seen. I dont know what to do, we have both decided to forget it and never bring this topic up again but i know he believes the incident to be different from the complete truth. I'm reminded of wht i did and what happened before everyday in some small way , even though im a different person now, but i push it out of my mind and try to b normal and happy but it does not go away completely. I just want to wipe that memory away. Am i going to feel this forever? Am I doing something wrong? Do i need to do something about this? I cant talk to him again and hurt him n us. Its irritating and upsetting to have one mistake in my past make me feel so horrible all the time. But i cant seem to help myself despite all the practical and sensible lectures i have been giving myself.