sometimes i dissociate on purpose by locking myself up on the internet. that way whatever happens where i "really" am doesn't matter because i'm in a place where no one can reach me.

i went to uni today and i think i forgot to close the balcony door to the apartment. i got home and my washing was inside & the balcony was locked, so i think my housemate must've brought it in.

i sent her a message an hour ago asking if i did but she hasn't replied.

i'm really scared about what will happen if she comes back tonight.

one part of me suspects nothing really bad will happen, but because i don't know what that possibility will look like i only have past experience to fall back on.

so i'm locking myself up here because this part of PC is safe for me. i thought about asking for help from pdoc or austin-t, but pdoc probably wont even check his phone, and i dont want to disturb austin-t either.