it seems more like..i am lacking experience and am still learning to interact

i was a fat girl with a funny accent and culture, i remember being bullied from age 9 and so shied away from other kids and was depressed with self deprecating thoughts, i moved schools 4 times before i was 12 and at about age 10 i remember my only friend being the retarded girl, i wasnt invited to birthdays...
at high school 12-13 i started trying really hard to keep friends but midway through the year i ended up a loner feeling isolated... moved schools again and made friends then after a while started self isolating again cried in the toilets many lunchtimes, thought about suicide etc...

had a volatile father who would be nice for months then explode, physically adn emotionally abusive. mother was volatile, not physical tho. and i was never good enough. wasnt allowed out. wasnt allowed to have friends over. had little control or choice.

was and am self conscious about weight, skin pigmentation, body shape, aging, everything...

on other threads i mentioned that at about age 14 or earlier, im not sure, i started pulling hair and chewing my lips (havent stopped)
get suspicious of ppl
get sad adn low
have had a string of short relationships, one night things, cheated on by many men....felt insecure or scared or something so had unprotected sex,,,when in relations am scared that they will cheat and obsess over it and it tarnishes my view of them. used sex to get close to ANYONE
had close female friends just stop talking to me one day... and never start again

just thought it made more sense when worded together like that...
it feels better putting it in print...somehow