Four years, Thats how long my husband and I have ben together. He lately told me, not in so many words that he is tired of the mood swings, crying,depression, what I call anger turrets(burst of anger uncontrollable). He's tired of me on the couch for days or not even getting out of bed. Sleeping all the time and just plain not caring. He's tired of all the hurtful words and worrying if I am going to hurt myself. Four years. must feel like forty.

I understand but I ask him to try to understand I have been doing this for as long as I can remember. Episodes going back to when I was five. I am almost twenty-nine. I asked him to try to live wth yourself as you look into the eyes of your children knowing you have just broke their little hearts with your break down. Try feeling so low you don't even care if your house is clean, if dinner is made, or if you have even showered all week. Try crying so much you can't even breathe and you can't even figure out what it is that broke you in the first place. Try Hateing yourself so much you are constantly questioning if and wy anyone could truelly love you.

I have five children, I watch two daily, Sometimes I wonder why I even allow these children around me what with the mood swings and all. I have bipolar. I am a rapid cycler. I am tired. Over Twenty years of ups and downs. MOre downs than ups. I would love to be more manic atleast then I can pretend to be happy. Atleast then I can clean and cook. I do fun crazy stuff with my kids. Who am I? I pretend so much of the time with the people around me so I don't seem crazy that I am five different people. I guess I can adapt to what people expect or need me to be. And then it all seems to come out for the people I don't have to pretend with. I am a mean hurtful lazy woman. Is that me or the illness? I know what I dream of being. I know the fantasys I make up in my head while I am trying to avoid my life, I am a great loving person. Am I kidding myself? Is it all just that, a fantasy?

I am a very tired soul. I have all but quit. Quit what? trying. The only thing that has kept mefrom the peace of death is my children, even though I really believe they would be better off without me. I have had serious thoughts of taking my own life in the past, but another shot at switching meds ( it feels like the hundreth try) and feeling like a failure in life. It leaves me thinking whats the point? Ending everything seems like calmness, peace and quiet. Sleep. Maybe death is a never ending dream. and in my dreams I am happy and nice and ok to be awake. I am not someone who hurts the ones I love...in my dreams I am not tired.