Just about and hour and 15 minutes from now I'll be in the local Social Security office finally starting paperwork for disability. I'm so scared I'm having trouble getting ready to leave the house.

Almost everyone I've talked to for the last two years has agreed that yes, my life sucks, I should never have been treated this way, and that yes, I need help. When I was younger I was never allowed to ask for help, let alone get any, now that I'm barely able to ask for help I cannot get any, well enough at least.

I've been trying for two years to get some help with this mess, and while I have a therapist, and a doc for meds, I'm not getting much else. I have enough trouble leaving the house, and now I have to go three towns over to Social Security where I'm told they are going to say no the first time regardless and I honestly don't know if I have enough reserves left to handle this.

I'm scared, terrified actually, and do not want to go, and do not want (at this moment) to die. I do not want to wind up in that horrible depressed place again. Meds are helping, but I have so much work to do to hold on and I don't always have the strength . . .

I'm gonna make it, I keep telling myself over and over, I have to!!!

Thanks for listening to me . . . I'll check back in afterwards . . .

Samantha