Sooooooooooooooooooo.... wow, i don't even know where to start. I was not looking forward to t today at all. I thought we'd have to break out the 'this is what I am available for - this is what I'm not available for' talk. From the first minute she was concerned. there was no look of exasperation or "i just don't know what to do with you". good too - i would have walked out.
But she did explain again that this is a level 2 clinic and they don't have the capassities to take on someone like me - which sucks kinda that I even went down this road since i was upfront with her the first day we met; told her i am DID, what I need, what it is like to work with DIDs, that once you start you basicallly gotta stick with the person because it is DEVASTATING to leave once that trust is finally/tentatively built.
But here we are. She did another assessment on me - "LOCUS" this time - and determined that I have too high a score for treatment here and i need "a better treatment plan that can take care of my needs". I guess level 2 clinics work with people with scores up to 16, level 3s up to 20, and my score of 22 would be level high three or four. So... T made a phone call to see what can be done for me to get me into a different treatment plan. in the beginning of the hour she started talking group home!!! @_@ I am not that dangerous, people. I'm not! I've never even SIed to the point of needing stitches!
So i'm a LOT of things right now - sad, scared, depressed, sobbing... slip into blessed denial until T called this afternoon and told me that we're still having ins issues and that I can't even get treatment until April (even tho I've had ins since Feb 23), and that *I* will be the one who calls all the places and talk to the Ts about everything.... and i'm really tired.
cold. tired. tired of crying.
on the upside, i went to return T's crystal to her and she told me she wants me to hang on to it longer. Also, when she called today, she stated that I've had just so much change these past 3 months that, even though she wants me to progress and do well, she doesn't want me to end with her until i am ready because it might totally destablize me....
Then the word "closure" came up and i started crying all over again.
i hate crying.
really super sad right now.